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Thursday, October 28, 2004
shes_a_sprite @ 11:41 AM.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 3:28 PM.
I am happy to hear that you are home and doing ok, you still remain in my thoughts always. I hope your weekend is enjoyable you deserve it my dear. Thursday, October 21, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:29 AM.
My friend, I never tire of reading your words. I am thinking about you, big hugs. Wednesday, October 20, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:34 AM.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 2:15 PM.
You know you have are in my thoughts and prayers for Friday. If you are up for it I may come by and see you. Hang with the Trig. it is a hard subject, one I struggled with and come to think of it still do! Anytime you want me to try and help you let me know, you know my schedule. Monday, October 18, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:21 PM.
Friday, October 15, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 3:11 PM.
You are such a wonderful person. :) Thursday, October 14, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:36 PM.
Good, you so deserve to get in to UF. I mean hello you work your tootsie off!! I am sure you will get in, I have faith in that. :) Good luck with Trig, I tip my hat off to you, math makes my stomach hurt Monday, October 11, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:19 PM.
Yeah for an update!!! I am glad you had a relaxing weekend, you deserved it.:) Friday, October 08, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:26 AM.
Thursday, October 07, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 7:52 AM.
*hugs* Your so wonderful! Good luck on the test and I send you big hugs. :) Larry @ 3:44 AM.
Your so cute with your hat on. :) Wednesday, October 06, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 4:10 PM.
Just an update
Just thought I would drop a line to let yall know that I am doing okay. The surgery went okay on Friday. I won't know anything for 7 - 10 days, so more waiting. I had four days (in a row) off from both jobs and school. Now if I could just do it again without the surgery part, how nice would that be?
I didn't do much the first three days. Slept some, never left the heating pad!!!! Yesterday I spent doing, or should I say attempting, trig homework... Needless to say, I am heading to the math lab after work, then to my teachers office hours. I just don't get it. There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to do something that you actually put forth an effort for. But lets not get me started on the whole trig rant again! LOL!!!
I am back to work today, and school... *monotoned voice* Good news though. MY GM (for those of you who never worked in the restaurant business this means General Manager, or head hauncho) is on vacation this week. So who ever made the schedule, just copied last weeks. So I do have Friday and Saturday off! The boyfriend and I have planned an eventful weekend. We are going to go to Jacksonville Friday night to stay with a couple of his friends in the Gator campground for the Georgia Florida Game.... It will be one huge tailgate party! Then Saturday we are going to go to a mall to find him something to wear to a wedding on Saturday night, which he has invited me to accompany him to, so naturally I accepted. Except I have nothing to wear (those of you who know me, know that simply because my closet is stuffed full of clothes, does not mean you have something to wear!) I haven't been to a wedding that I wasn't in, in years. I find them generally depressing... And avoid them usually at all costs... Oh the sacrifices that one makes when in a relationship.... See I want to spend time with him, and if this means attending a wedding then so be it... Wow that was hard to say.
Okay enough from me. I intended this to be a short entry but apparently my lack of updates over the last four days has left me with much to say. I am trying to keep the topic light hearted, for fear that if I dwell on what really lies in my heart, I shall burst into tears. So don't mind my pointless chatter. I am sure that Larry could tell you I am great at avoiding a topic, by talking about everything else under the sun, and sometimes that which is not (under the sun.) See there I go again.... Those of you who know me, are laughing right now, because this is exactly how I talk under circumstances such as these...
Rachel said...
I say you tell the Trig to &*^%$#@&**((&&^%%$$!!!!!
hehehehe :) *hugs*
Warning: Extreme Rant
The following text may not be appropriate for children. If you have an affinity for Trigonometry you should skip this entry.
Begin Rant/
I have come to the conclusion that I hate trig. This has been an ongoing hatred for me. It starts when a straight A student, who goes to class, pays attention, does her homework, and spend an inordinate amount of time in the math lab, and in the teachers office during office hours, cannot do her homework. I have come to the realization that I need a tutor.
We have a page of formulas, which are not normal formulas. There are simply no numbers, you have alphas and thetas, and omegas, and betas... And a few 1's and 2's, and even a theta/2, what ever that means. There is no solving them to a real number. I remember back in Pre calc, I thought that was difficult, we had formulas, but you always managed to find an answer that you could pluck back into the original equation and check to see if it was the right answer.
Further more, there are several variations for some of these formulas. And each one can be manipulated to look like something else. It is literally Greek. I work on a problem, and get an answer, and I am like "oh yeah, I am starting to get it" then as soon as I get to the next problem it is completely different, and I don't even know how to start it. You have no idea how frustrating it can be to just have no clue how to even start a problem. So you skip it and go to the next problem and it is the same damned thing, Greek!
What adds to this aggravation is that we were told at the beginning of this class that if we were not going on to calculus, which thank God, I am not, we would learn everything we need to know about trig in the first month. Well that month has come and gone baby. So at this point I am stressing my self over useless knowledge. I will never again use it.
I think that some of my aggravation and frustration with trig is a displacement of my anger. (yes I am going all psychological on you) I am angry at my current medical situation, I am nervous about tomorrow's surgery, and I have chosen trig to take it out on. I am also a perfectionist when it comes to a lot of things, and school is at the top of that list. There is always that question, no matter how well I do, "how could I have done better?" I know yall are probably thinking that I am a loon by now... I am almost obsessive about my grades. And I currently have a B average in this class, and if that wasn't painful enough, I don't see myself doing any better on the next test. It is simply beyond my comprehension. To actually admit this is hard, but to accept it is even harder. I refuse to believe that I can't do something. But it seems no matter how hard I try, it just gets harder. I am not perfect... (surprise surprise) and no matter how hard I strive for perfection, In trig I will not achieve it. I can accept this. What I will not except is that I I can't get at least a remedial understanding of this crap! I am not stupid, there is nothing dumb about me, sure I have blonde moments, I am after all blonde, but I am an intelligent blonde...
Is there a trig pill I can take, and understand it? Is there something I am not doing right? Is there something I can do better? What must I do to understand this she*t?
I will leave you with that mouth full...
End rant/
Moving on, Surgery is tomorrow. Yeah... (insert sarcastic voice) I will be put to the knife at 9:15 am, say a prayer that I don't knock the doctor out... Just kidding. I had an anxiety attack the other night. I could not breathe, my chest hurt, my back hurt, my heart was thudding, and when I closed my eyes the room seemed to spin around me. It was then that I realized that even though my world has seemed to come to a stand still, the real world just keeps on going, at the speed of life. Have you ever seen those time lapse recordings.... I am living one. It is like I am standing still, problems and worries in hand, and everything around me just moves by so quickly. No matter how hard I try to move, I cannot. I have been experiencing some pretty devastating nightmares. Some of the past, which is nothing unusual, some of what has not yet come to pass, and may never be... The time lapse dream is recurring. As well as a few that I will not get into.
On a more positive note, (yes I have good news too!) I received this email from my teacher the other day.... (AL is the Dean of the College of Liberal Arts)
"Talked with Al the other day and things look real positive. I don't know how long it takes things to shake out over there, but look for good news soon. Please let me know when you hear something."
So that was a bit of comfort! I have anxiously checked my mail on a daily basis! There is some pay off to hard work and High expectations (Lttlamb)! I will be on cloud nine when I receive my acceptance letter. It was a childhood dream that I attend UF. I was raised a gator fan, but more than that, it is a good school. It lies in the heart of what I considered my child utopia. Florida was always home base for me, no matter where I moved, or how rough things were, I knew that I would be spending the summer here, and that one day I would live here and eventually attend UF... That dream is within my reach, and when I grab hold of it, I will not let go! (granted there will be no trig at the University for me, otherwise I might have had to reconsider... Just kidding)
Well dears, I am sure that you are tired of reading, and I have left off on a positive note, so here is where I shall end today's entry... I am not sure when I will feel like updating next... But will do so as soon as I feel up to it!
Rachel said...
Robert Frost
I was reading some Robert Frost via a website posted on PA... You should check it out, I think it is his entire collection.
http://www.ketzle.com/frost/
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I have decided that this one is my favorite.... It was not an easy decision either he has many worth reading! But this one stuck with me, I have read it a few times before... and it echos in my heart.
as I tap my foot....
I am ready for Friday to come and go, not that I am looking forward to the six weeks of crap that will follow, but I am tired of being stressed about it. Lets get it over with already. I want life to return to normal if there is such a thing.... or perhaps just the way it was before this happened.
Made pretty good money last night, but I am beat today! It seems as though today is never going to end. I think it may be like this all week in anticipation of Friday. I have to go the Math lab today after work, and try to learn what ever it is that is preventing me from successful completion of my last two homework assignments. I know I am blonde, but damn.... I am not stupid. Trig should be learnable for me right? There was not mental block inserted that says "you will not learn trig..." no little voices saying "you will not understand this...." I can do it. I know I can, but Lord if I could figure out how that would be nice!
Well TTFN... I need to get back to work. Just thought I would drop a line or two to update...
Larry said...
Luv,
Larry
muh weekend
I had a pretty good weekend. Made killer cash on Friday, way better than I thought I would. Then did not end up going to the Seafood Festival, but I had a great day anyway. I met Danny at his house, and we ran some errands, then we went to see Friday Night Lights, which was an awesome movie. I would have to say I don't think it is any better than Varsity Blues, but it ranked right up there with it! Then we went to his house and just spent some quality time together. He even offered to skip the bachelor party if I wanted to stay, but I had promised the girls that I would bring home pizza and a movie. And I thought he should go have fun and hang out with the boyz, drink beer and do guy things, I dunno stand around and talk about football, scratch their ... Heads, burp... Whatever it is the typical guy does whence not around his woman.
So we went to Walmart after the movie so I could buy the movie "The Day After Tomorrow." Let me tell you, it was a great movie, I am so glad that I bought it. I headed home with pizza and movie in tow, and had a good girls night in!
Moving on to Sunday, a usual Sunday for me. I went to church, and actually hung around afterwards to speak with Father. I told him about my surgery, and he blessed me with oil. We talked about how I felt about it, and the ramifications of having the surgery, and the what wife's, if they missed anything. It felt good to talk to him about it. He said he would bring me communion next Sunday as I will be unable to attend. I then proceeded to the house and cleaned my room, did my laundry, changed my sheets.... ANYTHING I could do, so long as it wasn't my homework. When I finally had procrastinated to the point of exhaustion, I sat down at my desk, and gave my self a bonafide math headache. I actually whizzed through the first section, but I knew I was in trouble with the first four problems of the second section took me an hour and a half, and one of them was wrong. I worked through a few more, but I just got stuck! I will be spending Tuesday evening in the math lab.... Hopefully learning what ever it is that is blocking my math attempts. Trig sucks man!
I am still waiting a reply from UF.... And crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, arms, legs.... Any thing that I have that I can cross. I am kind of nervous about Friday, but I guess that is to be expected. Things are going considerably well with the boyfriend... aka RT (respiratory therapist) hehe.... I am pleased at how well things are progressing! Well I guess that is all for now, I know yall are probably tired of reading.
Shorty
I have to work tonight.... Joy.... I should make good money though, and I don't have to do a serve shift... I am 5 - CL bar, and I don't have a bar back, so though I will be busy, I will not have to split my tips! :)
I am hoping to go to the seafood festival in Cedar Key tomorrow with the boyfriend, but he has a ton of homework to do, so we are playing it by ear. I hate it when that happens, I am a planner, not a flyer by the seat of my pants er... LOL! Anyways, if he is too busy I might just take my mom!
I had my pre of today, it went okay. Surgery is set for next Friday. Well that is all for now.... Not much going on, or not quite ready to talk about it, one of the two.
tootles...
Rachel said...
I am the same way about the planning. I am thinking about you, always. :)
*Sigh of relief* *Deep breath of anticipation*
So I sent my letter of appeal to the Dean of the Univeristy of Florida College of Liberal arts, and my teacher also sent him a letter of recommendation. I received his reply today......... Drum roll please......... He is resubmitting my application for review!
I Quote:
Dear Heather: I'm going to ask that your application be re-referred so that we can review it again, in light of what you say here in this letter. I believe that the recalculation of your GPA has already showed up on your file, and that should make a big difference. Thanks, Albert
STEWART HEATHER B
re-review for LS-PSY 051 with new GPA and extenuating circumstances
Whew.... Okay now we wait.... I seem to be doing a lot of waiting lately! Cross your fingers, when not typing, and say a prayer. It seems as my childhood dream of attending UF is finally within my reach! I have worked hard, and it may finally pay off! Gosh I can't wait to hear from them.
In other news of Heather's life.... Trig is not going very well. I attempted my homework last night and only got through four problems before I got stuck. Larry, once again my knight in shining armor, came to my rescue. I offered to pay him for his tutoring services, and he stubbornly refused. I think stubbornness runs in the family! I got much further than I ever would have without his help, however we were unable to complete it. It just got way too complicated! I still have a math headache. We (thank you Larry) stayed up until almost 0200 working on it. I am not looking forward to class tonight!
The boyfriend thing is going well. I helped him do his power point presentation for school, something about pleural effusions (meaning water on the lungs) I am not sure I understood much else about it. So he took me to dinner as a thank you... He is still not pushing me, and I am still comfortable with that! He asked if I wanted to go to the Seafood festival in Cedar Key this Saturday... We'll see, could be fun!
Well my dears, that is about all I have to say.... Tootles for now, and as always thanks for reading!
Rachel said...
My uneventful weekend...
I guess I need to update... I had a pretty good weekend. Made good money Friday and Saturday night! Always a plus, however I didn’t get much sleeep... but this is the usual for the last few weeks. I stopped by to see a friend on my way home Saturday night... It was nice to talk to someone and not hold anything back. Nice to not have to hide who I am, and what I have been through....It was therapeutic.... I spoke of things that I have not been able to talk about to anyone, and when I got home, and finally got to sleep, I did not any have nightmares.
Sunday was a good day, I slept in till 1230, and got up and was very productive.... We cleaned, and did laundry most of the day... Then I finally got to hang out with Larry. He came and helped, well actually he trimmed my trees, and I helped (that’s more like it). Then we rented movies, and made dinner.... The boyfriend came over to meet mom, and I think by Larry being there it wasn't soooo awkward. He seemed a little nervous, but who wouldn't be, he was meeting two of the most Important and influential people in my life. And I told him if Draco didn’t like him he was out... LOL... after giving him bad directions, yeah he ended up in Reliegh, it turned out to be a pretty good night. I walked him to his car, and he mentioned that if I was up for it he would come by to see me on Friday after my surgery, but if not he would come by Saturday. I thought that was pretty nice!
We watched a pretty good movie called Ned Kelly, Bonnie I think you’d like it, it was about Irish people in Australia... true story, very sad ending. Then Larry kicked my butt in cards, Rummy 500... Twice (ouch) *Pause to swallow pride* and finally went to bed at like 12... though I did not sleep very well. I am worried about Friday. I called the doctors office to find out which way he was planning on doing things, and apparently he wanted to just do a local block... I am awaiting a phone call to find out if we can get an operating room, to do general anesthetic, (apparently they can not do that in the office.) They really kind of dragged their feet about it, aggravates me, because he makes his money either way, and if this would make me more comfortable then what is the problem… they did not even offer me my options. I had to research it on my own, and bring it to their attention! Sort of ticked me off.
I went to the school last Friday, and spoke with an academic advisor, who sent me to the transcript office... where they had figured my transcripts wrong, go figure, so after that was sorted out, my all college cumulative GPA is a 2.99, with a 4.0 from Santa Fe’. I also spoke with an old teacher, who also teaches at UF, and he was astounded that they declined my application. He told me to call and get an appeal started, and he would not only write a letter, but also hand deliver it. Made me feel good, that he thought that much of me as a student that he would go out of his way for me... So I am currently awaiting a phone call from the lady in admissions.... All this waiting makes me nervous. But se la ve right...
I took my trig test, and did not do poorly on it, but I did not do as well as I usually do. I earned an 82.... Alas, something else to stress about. I have to do really well on these next two tests in order to maintain my GPA. I think I strive to maintain my personal best in school, because it is my way of proving to my self that I am worth it. Does that make any sense? I know it seems silly to some, but it is maybe the way I validate myself... I don’t know... I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, perhaps even psycho-analyzing myself... I will write about this another day.
Well toddles.... I believe this novel should keep my loving readers happy for now… LOL!
Rachel said...
I love how you call him "the boyfriend" your a funny lady. :)
"weak and afraid"
Emptiness fills my soul
bitter and harsh
Defenseless I am cold
painful and dark
Stress pools in my stomach
acidic and churning
And moves up my spine
sharp and burning
I can't fight what is internal
alone and lost
It isn't real if I don't believe it
denial and despair
What did I do to cause this?
blame and worthlessness
Where did I go wrong?
hopeless and torn
Cancer or pre-cancer?
That is the question
Children or no children?
That is the answer
Sitting in the darkness
black and damp
Shivering from fear
alone and unknown
Hidden inside me
cramping and nauseous
Can you see trough me?
weak and afraid
and her dreary mood continues... sorry guys
It Works It Works
I love my Cousin! It works, I have archives, and a list of previous posts, and comments, and a view my complete profile list.... It works, all of it.... and I really love this new skin.... It is soooo me, and damn isn't it cool how it fades in and out! YEAH....
I am slightly stressing my trig test tonight, but it does not seem to have it's usual level of importance in my life. Had a pretty rough night... Did some research on what it is that I am being treated for... pretty scary stuff. I am hoping to call the doctor and find out which method he will use for the surgery.... apparently even just this biopsy requires either general anasthetic, or an epideral.... I would prefer that he just knock me out. But the good news is he could get it all during the biopsy stage, and I would not have to have more surgery.... I pray that this is the way of it... The Bad news is that it has been in there for a year and a half +, meaning that it has pushed on to stage two or three, which is more likely to be cancer... and also means he has to take lager chunks (explaining what he meant on the phone the other day.) I would give anything for a good massage right now.... it seems that the stress has settled in a nice knot in between my shoulder blades....
I am sooooo happy that I got to talk to my friend Rachel last night... it has probably been a month at least since I have been able to IM her... Turns out she may be heading this way for Christmas.... That would be soo cool, I would have to kidnap Bonnie, and perhaps all go to a theme park... Rachel is the founder (is that the right word?) of the most awesome poetry sight called Lyrical muse.... If you like poetry at all I suggest you check it out, it is listed in my links.... aside from that she is a really caring person, some one I have never met, but yet is always there if I need to talk.
I consieder myself lucky to have made some true friends finally. It felt like I would never adjust after moving from Ocala, but now I have Larry (who has always been there), Bonnie, casey, Heather, Tara.... and others! Makes these stressful times a bit easier... Thanks guys! I love you!
Rachel said...
Me Kayaking in New York on the Salmon River...
Rachel said...
BLAH
I really don't feel like Updating. I just feel kind of blah today!
Got my results back, the external biopsies that he took came back negative, but this is not good. This simly means that it is positively internal.... great. He said it is either precancer or cancer.... Great... and I have to go in for more biopsies. This time they will have to dialate, and cut larger chunks, shich they will then have to cauterize shut. GREAT.... then I get to HURRY up and Wait some more! GREAT! I don't even have that appointment until the 15th....All the while each time he does these biopsies, my chances to carry full term get smaller and smaller.... not even taking into consideration the surgery and what it will do to my dreams of one day being a mother!
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even really think of anything else. I have started smoking agian, and I have a huge knot in between my shoulder blades from stress. I am really worried about this. I am just not myself lately.
I miss my Normal life. I miss just being a student. Every semester before this, even when I had to have knee surgery, I mostly stressed about school, and tests. There is always some drama of some sort.... but this is different, this lies in the pit of my stomach, constantly reminding me that something is wrong. I am also slightly worried because, I called them to schedule my check up due to some wierd cramping pains that I was having in the area of my ovary on the right side. Last night I had severe cramps, and no I did not fall off the roof. (for those of you who don't know my Heather-bonics, this simply means that time) Just makes me wonder.
See I told you I didn't really want to update... I feel like I constantly have to wear this mask, because no one really wants to know the bad things. Like I should act if nothing is wrong... I feel like I have done something to bring this upon myself... If Karma is real, then I must have done some really bad things. I just keep thinking over and over what could I have done differently? I feel very alone, even though I know that I have people who love me, I feel as though I am terribly alone, and only Draco knows that I lay awake until the wee hours of the morning with tears streaming down my face, and only I know how scared I am, not that I am afraid of cancer, or surgery, but of not being able to feel my own children grow inside me, of not going through those hours of loving labor pains, of not knowing the joy of holding my child for the first time, smelling its breath, hearing it cry.... Of never truly being happy... I feel so alone....
About me
Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
About Me:
Just a woman trying to find her way.
These are the innermost thoughts of me,
who am I? Just read and see.
If I stir in you, any emotion at all,
then I have reached my goal.
Forever me...
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OMG!!!!! I am so happy for you, congratulations!!!! This entire entry brought the biggest smile to my face. I am so glad!!!!
12:06 AM
Congratulations, I know you have been working very hard to get there. I am glad you have found some happiness after all you have been through; you really deserve it. Let me know when your orientation is... you might be able to get a private tour!
4:16 PM
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